Absurdisan

(n) Artisan of the Absurd

Stuff I Hate – Wedding Proposal Planners

Weddings are complicated – there’s no escaping that fact. Whether they’re complicated in their execution or complicated in the way that the inner workings of a woman’s mind are complicated, they can be both the happiest day of our lives and the bane of a relationship.

Personally I’m not one for overly big weddings – the apparent need to out-do everyone else is pointless and wasteful, but that’s an entire topic for another post. However, I understand that weddings can be stressful and a great burden, considering how much needs to be planned and how much time people may or may not have. Wedding planners offer people with little time (or just lazy people) a reprieve from the arduous process of planning their fateful day.

Now I’m not too fond of wedding planners or the idea of wedding planners. In my eyes it’s not a great sign if you can’t be bothered to plan a day that marks the beginning of your new life as someone’s partner. It seems like you can’t be bothered to put in the effort for the supposed love of your life, who in all reality you should be willing to do anything for. But I can understand the need sometimes, I can appreciate that some people really do not have the time required to plan a wedding, especially if the plans are for something grand.

However, I heard about something this morning on the radio that I just could not get behind, no matter how much I thought it over, and that is wedding proposal planners.

Let the concept of this sink in for a bit – these are people and companies who are offering to plan the proposal, not the wedding or any kind of event, but the point at which you ask your significant other to be your wife or husband. It frankly staggers me that such companies exist and are making money from their ‘enterprising’ business.

The last time I checked, a proposal consisted of three main things – you, them and a question. Maybe a ring, but that’s not essential – I’ve known people who have no rings to mark their marriage but are nonetheless happily wed and have been for years. But those three essential ingredients do no change. Everything else is just extra, and largely unessential. Where and how the proposal takes place are nice additions, but what really cares is that someone has asked the person they love to spend the rest of their lives together.

But not so for some people – some feel the need to out-do everyone else at every single stage of their lives, and this includes the proposal, because woe betide if someone has a better proposal than you that took place on the moon with specially-trained astronaut penguins delivering the ring that’s made from the finest platinum and diamond mined straight from deep within the core of Jupiter’s moons. I just don’t grasp that mentality, and mental is definitely the word for it.

But back on track, let’s take a look at one of these companies – the first that comes up for me when I search for these proposal planners is The Heart Bandits. This alone worries me, because bandits mug people, and I don’t want my heart taken from me at gunpoint by a masked stranger on a horse. Anyway, taking a look at their services (they even offer romantic date planning – it’s a marvel some people can be bothered to breathe) to get their ideas alone costs a staggering $99. This includes a questionnaire and…well that’s it really. They look at your answers and provide five ideas based on what kind of people you and your other half are and your budget.

For $99.

And people are paying this.

Fuck it, for half that I’ll conduct the same questionnaire and I’ll provide five proposal ideas and a note telling you how goddamn lazy you are. Looking further down the page you see that even if you have an idea and just fancy a second opinion from them (because you are obviously of unsound mind and your ideas will cause your bride- or husband-to-be to suffer an aneurism because you are just a terrible person, how dare you consider marriage you slovenly pillock) then you’ll be forking out $30 just to hear from them whether they like your idea or not.

Sure, they’ll provide some other ideas for improvements, but I’d like to offer an alternative – ask your friends, you bloody lunatic. These people online don’t know you or your spouse, but chances are your friends do, or anyone you know at all. Jesus, just stop a random member of the sex your partner is in the street and ask them, they’ll tell you if they like the idea or not and you’ll get that for free.

If you want to do something special for your proposal, by all means – some people like that, and it can be very romantic. But if you can’t even be bothered to plan the proposal for your marriage then that sets a very worrying precedent for the rest of your relationship together. If you can’t be bothered to figure out for yourself how to ask the person you love the most important question of both of your lives, then I both pity and hate you, in pretty much equal measure. Everyone deserves to be treated well, but especially by their partner. They’re supposed to be the one making them feel like the most important person in the world, and if you don’t, can’t or won’t do that for your partner, then I suggest thinking very long and hard about what’s going on.

So that’s my moral-of-the-story rant over, and in conclusion I thoroughly hate these proposal planners and everything they stand for. Throughout writing this I’ve actually come to hate them more, so you know I’m serious. Now I’m going to go and talk to my girlfriend, like normal people with morals do.

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