I’ve spent a while thinking about how to write this article. Initially, I was tempted to put it under the “Stuff I Hate” column, but decided that didn’t do justice to the seething hatred I have for this man. I was contemplating devoting a couple of articles to a couple of his songs, picking them apart and why they are terrible, but again this didn’t seem adequate. It was only after waking up this morning that I had an epiphany.

My radio acts as my alarm, mostly because the garbage that populates the airwaves is largely teeth-grindingly awful enough that it drives me out of bed in search of quieter pastures, but this morning especially I was awake enough to catch a couple of lyrics to Bruno Mars’ song “Marry You”.

Now I hold myself in fairly high regard when I say that I ignore most of what’s on the radio, but the sheer number of times some songs get repeated is enough to drill the lyrics and tune into your mind. So when I got to thinking about these lyrics to “Marry You” and some of Mr. Mars’ other songs, it slowly dawned on me, like the sun that refuses to rise before I leave my house for work.

Bruno Mars is actually Satan.

The reasons are numerous and largely lie within his songs, but for my first piece of evidence I posit to you that Bruno Mars’ place of birth and childhood was Honolulu, Hawaii. It is well known that Hawaii is home to several active volcanoes, otherwise known as Super-Evil Devil-Spawning Holes. Coincidence? Not bloody likely.

Moving on, let’s look at one of his earlier-released songs, “Grenade”. In this song, Mars is supposedly at the mercy of a woman who doesn’t return his loving advances. He describes how he would get shot in the head for this woman, jump on live explosive devices and in front of trains, as well as dying, even though this girl clearly doesn’t feel the same way. Mars can obviously see that she doesn’t feel the same, he says so in the song itself, and yet he still does all of this for her. No man would actually do all of these things for the woman they love because they would die on the first one, but good old Bruno does. The reason? He can’t die because he’s the Anti-Christ.

Also, one of the lines states, “Tell the devil I said “Hey” when you get back to where you’re from.” This is clearly Mars’ cruel attempt at irony, because when she does reach hell, he will be waiting for her on his throne of skulls, luring her closer with his spear-headed tail.

“The Lazy Song” is the next offender, and it’s pretty apparent that Mars is trying to further the creation of a generation of do-nothing layabouts, ushering in a future where nothing gets done and civilisation collapses because no one is working anywhere. The whole song is about his desire to stay at home and do absolutely nothing. That’s it. He says he might go out tomorrow and do something, but chances are he won’t. One line even goes so far as to say that his parents are going to have to wait for him to go to college and further his education because he’s too busy being lazy today. And apparently this is fine – he suffers no rebukes or retribution for doing nothing all day at any point. He never actually gets up and does anything or worth or merit, he only talks about doing these things. Mars lures you in with frustratingly catchy jingles which hypnotise you to become a fat slob and, ultimately, one more step towards societal collapse.

Right, let’s get on to “Marry You”, the song that opened my eyes to this inhuman beast’s deception. In the first verse, he says that he’s looking for ‘something dumb to do’. While most of us would turn to gambling, drink or prostitution, Mars instead turns to marriage. Wait, what? Marriage isn’t ‘something dumb to do’, it’s a life-long commitment between two people that love each other with serious legal ramifications. In the next verse we learn that he’s been drinking ‘dancing juice’ and it all becomes clear – he and his partner are drunk.

So in the first two verses we learn that this song is about Mars and his girl getting hitched while probably topped up to the eyeballs with every alcoholic substance known to mankind, and probably a few other things besides. Later, the song states that if they wake up and the woman realises her mistake and wants to call it quits and get the marriage annulled or get a divorce or whatever happens with Vegas marriages, then that’s fine, no big, it’s just a thing.

“Marry You” is a song that is systematically contributing to the destruction of marriages everywhere. Contrary to what Mr. Mars would have you believe, marriage is not a frivolous bit of fun – leaving the whole loving-each-other side out of it, a marriage is a contract whereby two people agree to share everything they own with the other. This is a massive legal undertaking, and not something to be taken lightly if you want to just call it off in a day or two. You could be left with considerably less (or more if you’re the woman, as seems to be the trend) than you started off with.

Bruno Mars creates music that gets stuck in your head and subconsciously grinds away at your moral and ethical fibre until you are nothing more than a husk of pure animal instinct and passion. In other words, you become an arsehole. Hence, Bruno Mars seeks to undermine us as people and as the human race, meaning the only logical conclusion is that he is Satan.

Satan with stupid hair.

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60 Comments »

  1. I couldnt agree more! This man is horrible! His horrible songs are always stuck in my head for some reason!! More so then any other artists… I find it very disturbing, just because i only heard his songs a few times, yet i know every word of those stupid songs!

    • Don’t hate on Bruno, you get his songs stuck in your head because you know there good songs. And only God can Judge so suck on that… Punk

      • You really had to comment on this twice? I can see your email and IP address, so I know it’s the same ignorant, completely vapid humourless husk of a person who chose to comment mere minutes before this. Congratulations, you have been an idiot two times on the same article.

    • Well don’t you get the gold star for observation! Congratulations, you’ve discerned the exact purpose of this article! Did it take you a while to figure that one out, or are you some kind of Internet savant?

  2. You are so wrong Bruno mars is very nice he is not satanic….. Well I don’t know about that; anyways your confusing people with that crappy piece of article, you just are hating on Bruno because he is much better than you, you will never turn out to be like him. And by the way he’s not going to h*ll, you are.. Huh

    • Wow, I really and truly am sorry for confusing people with this obviously true and in no way satirical or comedic article. You have found me out, I really am a terrible person who only seeks to tarnish the good name of Bruno Mars, whose music I thoroughly enjoy and listen to on a near constant basis. Thank you for doing your Christian duty by pointing out that I am going to hell, you really are doing the lord’s work, the lord who clearly and obviously exists.

      You may have noticed that everything I just posted was sarcastic, and that you are an idiot.

  3. What kind of a hater r u mayb ur satan ur horrible i dnt knw u but i HATE u while reading this -ish I got angry and more angry how dare u how mst bruno feel when he reads this GOD i hate u

    • Well, Mrs Mars – first off I’d like to clarify what relation to Mr Mars you are. Since he’s not married to the best of my knowledge, I must assume you are his mother. So let me give you my congratulations for birthing the ultimate evil upon this world, that must have been a hell of an effort. Also, I highly doubt Bruno Mars sits around during the day googling himself (if he did, he would be considerably more of a douche than I first took him for), so I doubt he will come across this small article on this small website. But I understand your concern – this not-at-all satirical and completely and utterly serious and not joking in any way article definitely is super offensive and should definitely be taken seriously.

  4. alors là Absurdisan en tant que soit disant du côté du bien ,donc de Dieu vous ne valez pas mieux que soit disant Bruno Mars le satanique (et je demande a voir??????..pour Bruno bien sur ) vous êtes en train de faire le jeux du diable en jugeant ,en condamnant,,en haïssant, voici 1 verset de la bible pour que vous méditer sur votre stupidités car quand bien même Peter Hernandez de son vrai nom ) serait comme vous le dite un satanique DIEU RECOMMANDE à tous ses disciples de prier pour ces âmes perdue car elles peuvent encore être sauvées I Corinthiens 13

    13:1. Quand je parlerais les langues des hommes et des anges, si je n’ai pas l’amour, je suis un airain qui résonne, ou une cymbale qui retentit.

    13:2. Et quand j’aurais le don de prophétie, la science de tous les mystères et toute la connaissance, quand j’aurais même toute la foi jusqu’à transporter des montagnes, si je n’ai pas l’amour, je ne suis rien.

    13:3. Et quand je distribuerais tous mes biens pour la nourriture des pauvres, quand je livrerais même mon corps pour être brûlé, si je n’ai pas l’amour, cela ne me sers à rien.

    13:4. L’amour est patient, il est plein de bonté ; l’amour n’est point envieux, l’amour ne se vante point, il ne s’enfle point d’orgueil,

    13:5. Il ne fait rien de malhonnête, il ne cherche point son intérêt, il ne s’irrite point, il ne soupçonne point le mal, (à méditer)

    13:6. Il ne se réjouit point de l’injustice, mais il se réjouit de la vérité ;

    13:7. Il excuse tout, il croit tout, il espère tout, il supporte tout.

    13:8. L’amour ne périt jamais. Les prophéties seront abolies, les langues cesseront, la connaissance sera abolie.

    13:9. Car nous connaissons en partie, et nous prophétisons en partie,

    13:10. Mais quand ce qui est parfait sera venu, ce qui est partiel sera aboli.

    13:11. Lorsque j’étais enfant, je parlais comme un enfant, je pensais comme un enfant, je raisonnais comme un enfant ; lorsque je suis devenu homme, j’ai fait disparaître ce qui était de l’enfant.

    13:12. Aujourd’hui nous voyons au moyen d’un miroir, d’une manière obscure, mais alors nous verrons face à face ; aujourd’hui je connais en partie, mais alors je connaîtrai comme j’ai été connu.

    13:13. Maintenant donc ces trois choses demeurent : la foi, l’espérance, l’amour ; mais la plus grande de ces choses, c’est l’amour. ( tout est dit)

    • Ok, I ran this through Google translate and I got the gist of what you’re saying. For those reading this, it was basically “You’re no better than the Satan to which you are comparing Bruno” and then he quotes a load of bible verses.

      I would like to reiterate earlier points about the sheer idiocy of people like this who take every mention of Satan or likening something to Satan as a personal attack on them. Get some goddamn perspective you bloody lunatic. Also, quoting a religious text holds no weight here – this article is a joke. Stop taking things to seriously. Relax. Have a hot chocolate. Take up needlepoint. Just do something that might help get that stick out of your arse.

  5. OK j’ai mal comprit l’article (en même temps la traduction de l’anglais en français et vice versa n’as pas toujours le même sens mais je suis partante pour le chocolat chaud alors sans rancune et bonne journée

  6. Thank you for writing this! It made my night 🙂 I hate him!!!!!! and I thought I was the only one! I was just watching him on Graham Norton talking about when he went to a French strip club (DOUCHE) and then when it was time for him to perform he lip synced !! What a total loser!!!

  7. his songs influence the
    youth to turn on good
    values that even many
    unchristian people know
    that are right -give it
    away by red hot chilli
    peppers iz about free sex with your mamma papa
    and daughter- he just
    sang that with them on
    the sb h time show!

  8. wake up! u people are not dumb!
    u know that these
    characters dont worry
    about money,(singing
    songs that were meant to
    tear down family
    structures) when u fans fill their pockets with it! all u have 2 do is listen 2
    their lyrics-sober up and
    youll see that their life on stage is diferant than their personal miseries that
    they soon reap from
    chosen animalistic lifestyle .

    • Wow, you’re really having a field day with this one aren’t you. All tearing down family structures and animalistic lifestyles and whatnot. I’ll give you this, it’s an entertaining read.

  9. Oh by the way I find Bruno as the most amazing person in the world and whoever wrote this i strongly dislike you. 🙂 Oh ya and his dogs name is Geromio. How did the person who write this even come up with this stuff I mean I think we all know the real satin that is here…..

  10. This is some really stupid shit you’ve written here. You’re just jealous because he’s talented, good looking, rich, and has the whole world eating out of his hand. Now instead of acting like a wus-pus tell everyone you’re sorry for being such a HATER!

    • I would love to take your words to heart, but I just can’t condone devil-worship. The obviously-proven and ineffable fact that Bruno Mars is Satan (proven by the above very well-researched and entirely factual, non-satirical article that I wrote out of the goodness of my heart for the benefit of mankind) cannot go unheeded, lest we fall into debauchery and sin.

      Look, I’m not saying that by writing this article and bringing Mr Mars’ hellish origins to light that I have become some kind of saviour of man – history alone will inevitably come to that conclusion on its own – I’m just saying that I’m doing everyone a service. So repent and whatnot, and…oh sod it, it’s too early to be this earnestly sarcastic.

  11. You made some possible points in your article I noticed something was up when I heard locked out of heaven but he his a brilliant musician vocally and instrumentally. His songs are all catchy and I love them, I love his beautiful voice, and his handsome face lol (He may just be a wold in sheep’s clothing he said that in run away baby) Though I love him so much I don’t like that he has to acknowledge Satan in his songs when I listen to his music I blot that out.Your article was good but Instead of bashing just him I suggest you write an article about Beyonce, or Jay Z , Rihanna, Lady gaga, Katy Perry or Eminem. Or that all rappers are gay because they have to get jugged in the ass to make it big.

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