I’ve spent a while thinking about how to write this article. Initially, I was tempted to put it under the “Stuff I Hate” column, but decided that didn’t do justice to the seething hatred I have for this man. I was contemplating devoting a couple of articles to a couple of his songs, picking them apart and why they are terrible, but again this didn’t seem adequate. It was only after waking up this morning that I had an epiphany.
My radio acts as my alarm, mostly because the garbage that populates the airwaves is largely teeth-grindingly awful enough that it drives me out of bed in search of quieter pastures, but this morning especially I was awake enough to catch a couple of lyrics to Bruno Mars’ song “Marry You”.
Now I hold myself in fairly high regard when I say that I ignore most of what’s on the radio, but the sheer number of times some songs get repeated is enough to drill the lyrics and tune into your mind. So when I got to thinking about these lyrics to “Marry You” and some of Mr. Mars’ other songs, it slowly dawned on me, like the sun that refuses to rise before I leave my house for work.
Bruno Mars is actually Satan.
The reasons are numerous and largely lie within his songs, but for my first piece of evidence I posit to you that Bruno Mars’ place of birth and childhood was Honolulu, Hawaii. It is well known that Hawaii is home to several active volcanoes, otherwise known as Super-Evil Devil-Spawning Holes. Coincidence? Not bloody likely.
Moving on, let’s look at one of his earlier-released songs, “Grenade”. In this song, Mars is supposedly at the mercy of a woman who doesn’t return his loving advances. He describes how he would get shot in the head for this woman, jump on live explosive devices and in front of trains, as well as dying, even though this girl clearly doesn’t feel the same way. Mars can obviously see that she doesn’t feel the same, he says so in the song itself, and yet he still does all of this for her. No man would actually do all of these things for the woman they love because they would die on the first one, but good old Bruno does. The reason? He can’t die because he’s the Anti-Christ.
Also, one of the lines states, “Tell the devil I said “Hey” when you get back to where you’re from.” This is clearly Mars’ cruel attempt at irony, because when she does reach hell, he will be waiting for her on his throne of skulls, luring her closer with his spear-headed tail.
“The Lazy Song” is the next offender, and it’s pretty apparent that Mars is trying to further the creation of a generation of do-nothing layabouts, ushering in a future where nothing gets done and civilisation collapses because no one is working anywhere. The whole song is about his desire to stay at home and do absolutely nothing. That’s it. He says he might go out tomorrow and do something, but chances are he won’t. One line even goes so far as to say that his parents are going to have to wait for him to go to college and further his education because he’s too busy being lazy today. And apparently this is fine – he suffers no rebukes or retribution for doing nothing all day at any point. He never actually gets up and does anything or worth or merit, he only talks about doing these things. Mars lures you in with frustratingly catchy jingles which hypnotise you to become a fat slob and, ultimately, one more step towards societal collapse.
Right, let’s get on to “Marry You”, the song that opened my eyes to this inhuman beast’s deception. In the first verse, he says that he’s looking for ‘something dumb to do’. While most of us would turn to gambling, drink or prostitution, Mars instead turns to marriage. Wait, what? Marriage isn’t ‘something dumb to do’, it’s a life-long commitment between two people that love each other with serious legal ramifications. In the next verse we learn that he’s been drinking ‘dancing juice’ and it all becomes clear – he and his partner are drunk.
So in the first two verses we learn that this song is about Mars and his girl getting hitched while probably topped up to the eyeballs with every alcoholic substance known to mankind, and probably a few other things besides. Later, the song states that if they wake up and the woman realises her mistake and wants to call it quits and get the marriage annulled or get a divorce or whatever happens with Vegas marriages, then that’s fine, no big, it’s just a thing.
“Marry You” is a song that is systematically contributing to the destruction of marriages everywhere. Contrary to what Mr. Mars would have you believe, marriage is not a frivolous bit of fun – leaving the whole loving-each-other side out of it, a marriage is a contract whereby two people agree to share everything they own with the other. This is a massive legal undertaking, and not something to be taken lightly if you want to just call it off in a day or two. You could be left with considerably less (or more if you’re the woman, as seems to be the trend) than you started off with.
Bruno Mars creates music that gets stuck in your head and subconsciously grinds away at your moral and ethical fibre until you are nothing more than a husk of pure animal instinct and passion. In other words, you become an arsehole. Hence, Bruno Mars seeks to undermine us as people and as the human race, meaning the only logical conclusion is that he is Satan.
Satan with stupid hair.