I’ve spoken before about the musical tripe that assails my ears in the mornings when I’m woken up by the radio and what that drivel leads me to believe, but that doesn’t mean I’m done with pointing out the glaringly obvious flaws in these “songs” that so many others seem to miss. Hell, I can’t be done – I’m performing a civil service here, righting the wrongs perpetrated by both music conglomerates, producers and artists and the morons who buy the brownish mass that spews forth from whatever orifice the shittier half of the music industry possesses (I’m going to assume it’s called The Shitty-Music Industry and is made up entirely of assholes – certainly no ears).

And thus I turn my attention to Ne-Yo’s “Give Me Everything”. You might have heard it by now, but just in case you’re one of the lucky few who has managed to avoid the repetitious droning of this song, feel free to watch below (Absurdisan Tip: you only need to watch for the first verse, seriously).

It’s worth noting that all I ever seem to hear is a version with Ne-Yo and those female singers, I’ve never heard any sort of rap interspersed with the excalamatory requests for ‘everything tonight’. As such, I’ve taken information from just Ne-Yo’s lyrics, as that’s all us here in the UK are subjected to on a near-daily basis.

Nevertheless, now I can move onto my big gripe with this tune – I have looked up Ne-Yo’s lyrics online, and there are a total of nine unique lines of lyrics. Nine. And I was being generous, counting lines with an extra word at the beginning as unique. There are themetunes for TV shows with more lines than that (ok, so maybe that last one’s not necessarily got more, but at least it’s got a bitching guitar solo).

But seriously, how can a song with a repeated melody and nine unique lines of lyrics reach number one in the UK singles charts? Are the single-buying masses really that adoring of inane songs that rival the complexity of children’s nursery rhymes?

And what’s more, the lyrics are only about grabbing someone good looking and telling them to have vigorous, no-holds-barred sex with you because the world might end tomorrow for no reason. I can’t stress how utterly idiotic and out of sync with societal norms this is, yet people listen to this song and like it and buy it enough times that we’re doomed to hear it constantly for at least the next two years, and then intermittently at my most hopeful for god knows how many more years after that.

I would weep for my country’s apparent inability to determine what is worthy of musical acclaim, but I know many people who are of the same mindset so I can’t in all good conscience lump them and myself in with those who want EVERYTHING TONIGHT. Instead I’m going to make plans for the week because unlike Ne-Yo I have fairly sound presumptions about the sun rising again.



    • Yep, you’ve got it right there. It all boils down to my undeniable envy of Ne-Yo, the man who dared to dream about getting everything tonight, and lived in perpetual fear that tomorrow was never certain and the world could end at any time. Ne-Yo lies awake at night, gripped by the sheer terror of the unknown – what if this was his last day on earth? Did he really ‘get everything’ tonight? Is this all the world has to offer? And if the sun does rise, should he try again to get everything that following night? These are the troubles that plague Ne-Yo, the visionary of our times who shall lead us to salvation.

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